


Life Shattering Realizations You Forget To Have

by Rhidee



Category: Smile For Me (Video Game)
Genre: Asexual Kamal Bora, Asexuality, Introspection, M/M, Trans Male Character, With a side of being gay and sorta an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 16:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19380856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhidee/pseuds/Rhidee
Summary: Kamal Bora and reinvention, love, and realizing sometimes you're already perfect as you are.





	Life Shattering Realizations You Forget To Have

It started small.  Most things do, that’s the thing about things.  They aren’t sudden, because then they’d be events, or happenstances, or world changing realizations. 

First Kamal noticed his eyes lingering.  Or rather, the interest that explained that lingering.  It was like he could look at Dr. Habit for hours, for years, as if every event he ever did was a grand one, something to be seen. 

It wasn’t weird.  Boris was an interesting guy, and ‘Boris’, didn’t it make Kamal giddy to get to use that, even in his own head.  He’d been told he could use it outside of work, but well.  It seemed the formality was needed.  Not for any reason.  Not because things were weird or anything.

It’s not like he did much work anyway- Dr. Habit seemed to think that an assistant’s job was mainly to stand around with papers anyway.  The Carla’s, those kinda creepy kinda endearing things, they did most of the work.  Passed paints around and printed posters and all the work on the main building, basically.  Kamal just had to hold papers, usually papers with nothing important, usually papers with a smiley face and a reminder to drink water.  There weren’t even any water fountains and there was only one bathroom, literally as far as possible from the office.  It was like it was an afterthought. 

So Kamal stood pretty and occasionally helped put up vaguely pointed posters in towns and in halls, and whenever Dr. Habit was around he just looked.  Remembered, watched, remembered some more.  Maybe thought about it a bunch.

The second thing was more of an event. 

-

Kamal was asexual.  It was one of the first things he’d admit, because people could understand religion enough to understand it.  Even if they got it wrong.  If you toss in half a sentence mentioning god, suddenly people pressing you to have kids stepped off.  Be it their grandkids, or kids with them.  Nobody skeevy enough to push that pressure wanted to hang out with a bible camp character.  It was…harder to bring up the trans thing.  But, this isn’t about that.

But, being asexual didn’t mean he never felt…It.  Horny.  Sexually.  He occasionally woke up aroused for a while, during puberty.  When he had to pee, and he had to look this up, make sure he wasn’t just kinky, but when he had to pee he was aroused.  Apparently, a full bladder pushes on other things.  Weird how that works. 

And he’d had sexual fantasies, granted, they were not…very sexually centered.  The weight of a bigger body, the feeling of closeness.  He’d even tried a little sex.  It was…Something.  Messy.  Gross.  And nothing tasted as good as people pretended.  But, once, he was humped, completely clothed but so hard the bed bounced like he was taking it hard.  Nothing touched him sexually, just making out, but he really, really liked that. 

Everything else sucked.  Oral tasted bad, he hated being touched, and hickies were just kind of boring.  Making out was fun.  Dry humping was fun.  He’d felt a pubic hair on his inner arm once while touching a girl and he felt like burning his skin off.

He was asexual.  Solidly. 

But he still got aroused sometimes.  Especially after deciding to gently nudge his body to more masculine with T.  And sometimes that meant he masturbated.  Especially on his period. 

He was…disappointed to note that his period didn’t go away completely with testosterone.  He was uncomfortable to note he got hornier with it.  Kamal thought, maybe, he would stop taking it.  But that was a lot.  And a later issue.

But, he got aroused, and he masturbated.  And sometimes…

Boris’ hair would be so good to grab, to hold on to, to shake against.  His stupid, Dr Habit brand office chair, pressed against Kamal’s back, boxed in, trapped, safe but scared.

Sometimes, Kamal dreamed.

They’d kiss, they’d kiss so good, his neck would strain and be exposed and maybe he’d climb on top and grind against Habit, against the bulge in his pants, he’d never grinded bare against a dick before but maybe he’d like to.  He’d pant, hot heavy, shaky, and lick against Habit’s neck and nothing would taste like sweat, just his taste, just clean skin and bubblegum dreams-

Kamal would squirm and they’d flip, and he’d press into Boris’ touch and beg and be so, so good for him, and full of trust and intimidation and-

And then Habit would smile, and press scalpel a little closer, because why not, why wouldn’t he have that, and tug Kamal’s hair and smile that big grin and-

A moan cut his thoughts off.  A moan, in his head.  It’s remarkable how that works, not even a lost train of thought, an interruption.  An event, even.

He shook as he came.

-

Kamal tugged his hair, eyes focused on the rhythmic slide of Wallus’ mop.

“I just don’t.  I’ve never felt like this.  I don’t think I like it.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Does this mean I’m?  Not asexual?  That I’ve spent these years- what, just confused?  Or with internalized dysphoria?  I remember people debating it, on if it was real or some sickness.  Some hormonal imbalance, or repressed trauma.  And now I’m, aroused?  Aimed at Boris, I just… I don’t know if I’m still allowed to identify as it.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am.  But, is it right?  I don’t feel like it’s fair for me to take the space away from real asexuals, just because I usually don’t feel attraction.  It feels like cheating.  Is it wrong of me to worry about that?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Oh.  I guess you have a point.  Even if I can still be in the spaces, shouldn’t I do…something?  Reevaluate myself?  I can’t be normal in my abnormality.  Are you still listening?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Thanks Wallus, you’re a real friend.  I don’t know.  I guess even if it’s not my place, it still can help me.  And.  I still think I’m asexual.  I’m not.  I’m not sure I want to actually do it.  I just think the idea is cool, and sometimes when my body feels aroused anyway I just.  Think.  I guess I don’t even know if it’s even arousal at a person, or just.  Well timed thoughts.”

“Mmhmm.” The water splashed against Kamal’s shoes and he took a step back thoughtlessly.

Kamal thought for a while, watching the water cascade into the bucket with wheels.  It was not a proper janitor’s cart.  It was literally a bucket with wheels.

“Maybe I should talk to him.  To Dr. H- to Boris.  I think…I don’t know if I want to try sexual things with him.  But I do know I won’t get the chance to figure that out unless I say something.  God, at least he’s so mushy I know he’s into me.  Did you see what he did yesterday?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Of course you did, the mop is dyed red now!  Big ol’ heart, and I have to clean it.  And where were you?  At your home, sleeping in?  Must be nice to get weekends off.”

“Mmhmm.”

Kamal sighed.

“It’s fine, it’s not your fault.”

Kamal paused again.  Not the thinking sort of pause, but the sort of pause that builds up.  Where you can almost see someone bubbling up, about to do something.

The mop was once again dipped in the bucket, and Kamal’s arms went around Wallus.

Muffled against the janitor’s chest, Kamal said, “Thanks.”

Wallus gently patted his friends’ shoulder, once, twice, and then Kamal pulled back and wiped his eyes.  He smiled, embarrassed but pleased, and promptly hurried off with excuses of work on his lips.

Wallus brushed back his long hair and removed one airpod, watching the last flash of shoes disappear into a door.

“Oh….shit.”  Wallus said.  The mop fell from where it was left partially hanging out of the bucket, clacking against the floor before the sound faded out.

“I’m an asshole.”

\--

The following section will be described with two barbies, one Barbie Fashionistas Doll #47, and one unrecognizable type that looked like an electrocuted muppet.  Because here at fanfiction industries, we stay true to canon.

“dR HABIT I THInk i like… (you)…” Burst the muppet barbie, quieting like mid-sentence he had realized this wasn’t an elaborate fantasy land and that his actions would have a lasting impact on his relationships beyond this moment and this feeling.

“!!!!!!!!!!!” Said the Fashionista Doll #47, hair swooping and it turned from a little bench full of teeth organized in those weekly pill containers old people use.  His face went red and also he lifted his arms really high before flailing them about like a car dealership inflatable.

“I ACTUALLY HAV BEEN IN LOVE WITH YUO…forevr Kamal,,,,”

The muppet barbie gasped and took a step closer. 

“Really?????”

“YES!!!!!!  We need to smoochms now!!!”  Cried the Fashionist Doll #47, running forward. 

The two embraced, and their faces knocked together.  They fell down and laughed, and kissed more, and then went out to get milkshakes, and named their first child Lilian, and-

“Kid.” Said the Cowboy Bed. 

Kamal froze and promptly became an abstract art painting in reds.

“Kid, this is just sad.  Just go put’cha boots on and do it.  Maybe address your self confidence issues too.”

Kamal left like a horse in a field of snakes, if the horse was made entirely of left feet.

“I swear…” Mumbled the Cowboy Bed, undulating in mild disbelief, “Ya’ll would complicate a cotton patch if it pleased ya.”

-

Hey, what do you know.  Sometimes miracles do happen.  It worked out exactly like the barbies.

-

Okay, somehow, there was even more teeth.  But otherwise, exactly the same.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest, this fandom tires me out. I love it, I do, but the ao3 is so sexual, and that's just not my tea. So here's a flip of that. Kamal gets horny, feels things about it, but keeps his identity. He maybe tries some things with Habit, gets way into cuddling, but never really gets into sex. They go on picnic dates and watch clouds go by and for some reason every single one actually, no joke, looks like a tooth.  
> I don't know, ya'll. I just don't want other asexual folks in the smile for me fandom to feel how I do right now.
> 
> Edit: Now deanonned, since I'm out of the fandom enough to avoid fandom politics, and also because the problems that inspired this fic are less of a problem. Lit! Thank you so much for everyone who has or will comment, they mean a lot.


End file.
